Lastly, I'm so excited to share my Ask Erin Self-Care Guide . My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. Blow out the torches! I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. To care for our two young kids. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. Liquid Luck Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Settlers of Catan! Interested in science? Both parents have to work on appreciating her interests and her, while asking her to explore theirs as well. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. Of course its going to drive her away from him. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Shes all the better for it. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. So, here is the thing. Counseling could help because communication is an issue here because no matter how much youve talked about it nothing has changed. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. Yeah, in retrospect, it probably would have been better for me to join a team sport I actually wanted too, but 7th grade me was too shy to do it. Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Youve talked about this over and over and your husband still interrupts your conversations because they annoy him? My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Talk about missing the point. I would rock out to Tom Petty in my room while playing with my Sanrio boxes that were full of Lisa Frank erasers. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. About Us . If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. bittergaymark I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. I cant believe you didnt address that. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Some people say yes, a parent should love their child more than their spouse. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Terms & Conditions . They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. I agree with Wendy here. Lily in NYC I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? Surely, they can find a few places where their interests overlap a little bit. How so? Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. painted_lady Too little time to post! I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. Hes let me know so many times that when hes had a hard day, he loves a home-cooked meal, watching his favorite show, going to sleep, and then making love in the morning. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I loved how proud and impressed he was when I got the answer right, or parroted back some of his trivia. It struck me the wrong way, too. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. I agree weddings can be stupid . Skyblossom I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. . "I cant win for losing. July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? Intelligent people can like these things but does that mean that a father should promote them? It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . Show interest in his interests. He would watch Full House or something with us. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. No. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. I camped. Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. And his dad didnt want to hear anything about my husbands interests. lets_be_honest My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. only in his mind is one of the most well-written and saddest things ever produced on television. He showed me culture, gave me an enjoyment of the arts and it was one on one time that was genuine. Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. But I agree with everything else you said. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Again, no. , Did anyone else ever watch Home Improvement? Something like that might be a good intersection of the father and daughters interests. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. honeybeenicki However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. Within a year of this, my dad became abusive. And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). I firmly believe that there is no such thing as reading too much. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Whats ok is to have a balance. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? Exposure to anything is great for children. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. bittergaymark His dad was hyper critical that my boyfriend was interested in computers and cello, not hunting and fishing. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. No we're not on speaking terms after he decided to sell his grandmother's home (my wife's mother) instead of keeping it. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Unfortunately, the old woman fell ill, and Janet had to marry a worthless man in place of her parents' biological daughter to meet the maid's medical expenses. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Especially a board game like Cranium where everyone can shine in what theyre good at, and it can be good to pair up with someone youre different from. lets_be_honest lets_be_honest To do that, I think she has to be less invested in making sure child is 100% happy 100% of the time and I think she has to rationally explain to her husband how some of his actions are being perceived. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Honestly, it doesnt dominate my life My improv group had NO idea I was into Star Wars until it came up in a scene and my knowledge of it was rather startling to ALL involved. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. You also said that your daughter ~does~ participate in her fathers well-liked activities when he asks (& I do think you can do your part to encourage her participation, if youre not already.). But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. a truly horrible driver. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. Your email address will not be published. And LW- anyone who tells you Firefly is not a good show doesnt know what their talking about! I cried myself to sleep. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect.