Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. Better late than never! I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. Hold a grudge definition: If you have or bear a grudge against someone, you have unfriendly feelings towards them. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. Thats what happened. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! It doesnt mean you need to have hateful feelings towards them, but its just sheer survival instinct on your end to step away from the nonsense. In the end,although support of safe others can help, there is nothing for it but to go through your pain. I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. Meaning: You will do something harmful to her because . But I dont seem to find peace. He never asked for my forgiveness and its a private gesture on my end, but its helped me measure my own progress. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. No MMs is a good one but no-one who knows people I know (for instance)is too limiting. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. . . It used to be incredibly hard, but when I think about all the hurt I felt, its easy, because I dont ever want to feel the way I felt when I was with him ever again. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! I still am having to work on that. I am not beating myself up as much for breaking NC as I may have, though. But thats the way it is. ", You're all about fairness or want to make sure that they see your side of things, "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash, said. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. If youre mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, thats another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. I keep thinking that the stuff he says and does seems so crazy and offensive that I have to wonder if its all just an act and hes just doing this because hes trying to seem cool or something like that. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. You can't force someone to forgive you. It just seems so crazy and inappropriate I dont know how it could be a genuine view. Hes made a couple of crumby attempts to contact me since he broke up with me and while initially I thought that would make me feel better, it didnt. NO! "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". We can remember without ill will. What are you bearing grudges for? .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. Thanks for your well thought out post. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. Im either totally into a man with all of my being, or Im totally out. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. So she knows whats really going on. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. Asses dont tend to use protection. Ill definitely remember that. This doesnt seem very respectful of women, and then he laughs about it. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. other information we have about you. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Faith that God will make things right, that God has a plan and that God is good. He has nursed a grudge against his former boss for years. Of course, they object when you point it out. And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. Ive been there. Weeks later she sent my son to my house with a dress she bought me. They always tell you who they are. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Always follow your instincts. I tried to be friends with him again this year. Lisa. Stand up for what you believe in. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. Grace answered beautifully. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. He emailed last night and it didnt make me feel better. From our hearts. Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. I knew it was not a good situation for my snoopy nature. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? I dont like to be around you. Something she could have easily done herself. He never apologised. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. In all honesty, only a few. Hes playing with your heart. Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Im confused. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Dont they usually tell recovering addicts to not associate w people they knew, or certain places? We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. Thats the tricky part. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? No forgive & forget from me thts for sure! It is boring and lacks any excitement. This happened a few times several years ago. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. For putting the people who actually do care about you, to the side while w whats his/her face. I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. Hard to be alone. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. Thank you, Yoghurt- Your post makes 100% sense. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. ! Because it really isnt as easy as that. He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Im struggling a lot with my self worth at the moment (even if rationally I know that it does not depend on him). I wouldnt say that I was a misfit at school but I didnt fit in. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. But why should I stop going to events and meeting people just because of the AC. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? We were never enough of anything for her. You will not get it. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. Im told I need to forgive him and speak to him for the sake of our son, but if he hurt me so terribly and he shows minimal interest in parenting, then why should I continue to beat my head against the wall? Carry on!! In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that youre not over an issue. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. The message she left was so hurtful. Thank you. It is very challenging and even breaking off all contact isnt always the answer. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! Its more lime an addiction. This has been my biggest weakness! Just meet some one else fast. Seriously, I know I just have to continue my resumed NC as that is the adult way to demonstrate my values and boundaries. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. . Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. We can gradually learn to let go of the hurt, anger and resentment, and hold on to the positive insights we have the opportunity to gain each time. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Once he understood he was going nowhere with the playful sexual innuendo in my case as I was not taking him seriously, he became the intense, serious friend who wants to sleep with you but not lose the friendship. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. hes let you down a few times and it doesnt sound like he wants to talk. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. so I dropped him. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I can see it in his eyes. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. Just clarifying my thoughts! But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. There is no sense. I already walked away more than two months ago. Grudges are a learned response. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? You will be taking two steps backwards and questioning everything you may say in the text, email etc. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Improved self-esteem. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. I dont forget. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. Seriously! , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. Beautiful, Sparkle! You can draw a boundary without being bitter. Thats just circumstantial. Now I get what you mean and you are right that we agree! Going back to the ex I guess isnt a total surprise ( though almost)- but never in a million years did I think he just would treat me like this. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. Thanks Tinkerbell! Thanks for the advice. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Its not about you or anything you may have said or done. And its SPOT ON. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. Yes. hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = Yeah, people pleasing. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? I did not respond. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Yep, if he cuts our program, I dont have to forgive him either. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. I was totally mesmerized. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on I hear you. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% You hit the nail on the head. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. All rights reserved. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. I have tried to be the bigger person, tried to put it behind me, but finally I have accepted my feelings and love myself for having the strength to protect what is important to me rather than contorting myself to please him. Grudges prevent someone from moving on from past wrongdoings. Its like my old AC all over again. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. Dear Nat, thanks again for the great post! Vindication? Ive been struggling with what I would want out of an encounter. So I couldnt. I feel frustrated at times because its in the past, gone, done & I want the recycling to stop but not sure how to make it stop.